Too Late For Forgiveness?
by babytakeyourmeds
Summary: What happens to Tony and Ziva after Ziva comes back to NCIS after the horrible summer in Somalia? Should Tony finally tell Ziva he loves her? FINAL CHAPTER UP NOW!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS characters. They are the very own property of CBS.**

**Author's Note: This is my first fanfic. I have no idea what has happened after Reunion (7x02) because I haven't seen the episodes, so some facts may not be correct. So everything that happened here after Ziva came back is totally coming from my imagination. And also, please notice that since I'm from Finland, English is only my second language and that's why my English isn't perfect =) Read and Review please =) **

It felt like a normal day at the NCIS again. She was back. For a moment Tony had already thought she was dead. For a moment, that was way too long. It had been hard enough to know, that she didn't want to work with him anymore, but to actually think she was dead, that he would never meet her again. He had been ready to end his own life, thought about it more times he could even count. He wasn't sure what had been the thing to finally stop those thoughts, or had he even stopped them yet.

Maybe it had been the moment she was brought to the chair in front of him, and he could see she wasn't dead. Maybe it was the moment he had carried her out of that nightmare and he could actually understand that not any of them was going to die this time. Maybe, but still, when he woke up with nightmares of her lying dead in his arms, the thoughts came back. And those thoughts didn't stop until he had her in his sight again. At work he could finally breathe again. She was alive.

It had been two weeks now since she had returned to the NCIS. On the outside, things had worked out pretty well. After Tony had successfully brought her back from Somalia, she had decided to come back to the NCIS. And there she was, sitting right in front of him at her desk.

Ziva David.

The woman he loved, even though he would never say it out loud. He was scared to even think about it, almost like he was afraid that someone could pick that up from his thoughts and spread it everywhere. _Tony DiNozzo was in love_. A sentence no one would ever take seriously. Tony wasn't the falling in love kind of type and yet he was in love. But still, could anyone truly blame him for that?

They had been working together for four years now. The start had not been easy for anyone. Ziva's brother had killed one of his team members. But within those four years they had earned each other's trust piece by piece. Now she was his everything. They had shared some horrifying moments together and they both had had nightmares only the other would truly understand. Just by looking into each other's eyes they could see everything. They knew everything about each other. Or so he had thought.

Now he wasn't so sure about it. Not at least at her part. How could she possibly trust him anymore, now that he had killed her boyfriend? Even when he had later saved her life in Somalia he wasn't sure if she could ever forgive her. All that trust had shattered into little pieces, and who knew, maybe they would be picking up those pieces forever. He has his own doubts too. They had shared one passionate talk in the men's room few days ago and Ziva had said something that still kept coming up from the back of his mind.

"_When you shot Michael, I almost killed you where you stood"_

Even though he knew why she said that, even though she would have had every right to say, even do that, it still bugged him. The fact that Ziva was ready to kill him wasn't quite pleasing. He had no doubts if she would have actually been able to do that. He had responded with a joke, as always, and the conversation had moved on. She had forgiven him, and they had both said they were sorry, but could anything save their relationship anymore now. Was it too late for forgiveness?

Yea, maybe it all looked fine from the outside, but nothing was fine on the inside, and they both knew it.

_ xxx_x

"DiNozzo, Ziva, McGee, grab your gear. We have a dead marine."

Gibbs' imperative voice interrupted Tony's thoughts. He grabbed his gun and stood up.

"You two, get the car" Gibbs said and pointed at Ziva and Tony. Even though nobody had said it out loud, it felt like Gibbs was trying to give Ziva and Tony some alone time as often as possible. It was something Gibbs usually never did, but maybe he had noticed the fact too, the team didn't work when two of its members weren't speaking.

Tony and Ziva stood up and ran to the elevator. He let her in first, like he wanted to be polite, but the truth was that he just wanted a reaction out of her. After she had opened u to him in the men's room, it seemed like she was totally shutting him down. He couldn't see anything in her eyes. But Ziva didn't say anything; she just stepped into the elevator in total silence.

Tony wasn't going to take it anymore. He pressed the emergency stop, and the elevator stopped in the middle of the shaft. First she looked confused, then angry, but he wasn't going to give up.

"That's it Ziva, that's it. What is wrong? You have to talk to me, okay, you have to. You can't just keep ignoring me like you've done so far. At some point we're going to have to talk about this. Everyone, I bet you too, knows something is wrong. It's bugging even Gibbs. So tell me, what is it that you need, another apology? Do you want to quit, do you want me to quit, because I don't know how to…"

"Shut up Tony!" she yelled suddenly. Such a strong response surprised him. She never showed her feelings to anyone like this. "It's not about what you should do or not do, for god's sake Tony, everything isn't always about you" she said still sounding angry.

"Then what is it?" he asked. "What on the earth is it? I know you're still mad at me for doing… Well, what I did, but you'll have to say it to me. Be angry!"

"It's not that. I'm not angry. I said it already; I've forgiven you. This isn't about Michael or you. It's about me. It's something I'll have to deal with by myself." she said and looked into his eyes. For the first time in a long time he saw something there. Pain. Agony. He stepped closer to her and he could see the panic in her eyes as she tried to escape from the situation. But she couldn't.

"Tell me about it" he said and looked deep into her brown eyes.

"Tony please, go away! I can't… I can't" and suddenly, like out of nowhere, she burst into tears. She looked so ashamed when she cried quietly. She never wanted anyone to see her cry, especially him.

"It's okay" he said and wiped a tear from her face. "It's okay"

"It's not okay! Nothing's okay anymore. I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I keep having nightmares, and they won't go away even now when I'm awake. I'm falling into pieces, and I just can't talk to you. Okay, I can't, because I know that when it comes to you, I can't pretend." She pushed his arm away. "Please Tony, I just can't. Go away. Please." She was now looking into his eyes, begging.

"Ziva…" Tony started but she had already dried her eyes and turned around. The moment was gone. She no longer was vulnerable and broken. She had become Agent David again, the one who could easily hide her feelings. She pressed the emergency stop and the elevator continued moving.

"Great, now you're escaping this situation. We're back exactly where we were, aren't we?" Tony snapped. He wasn't ready to let go so easily, not now when he had finally managed to get something out of her.

"We're late. Gibbs wants us to get the car." she said. Tony could easily see she was avoiding him, afraid to look into his eyes. But he didn't say anything as they walked out of the elevator. He was quiet as they walked in the parking lot and when they got into the car. To his surprise, she was the first to break the silence:

"Tony… The conversation we just had… It, it never happened, okay? If you'll ever bring it up again, I'll kick the brain out of your over-sized head" And to impress her words she slammed the door of the car.

"Over-sized? My head isn't over-sized! And who said you get to drive" he protested as she kicked the gas. She had always considered her driving skills excellent, but the truth was, they weren't so good. She had taught herself to drive in Israel, and that kind of driving didn't work in Washington DC that well.

"I did" she said and drove out of the parking lot. "And Tony… Promise me you'll never bring that up again" she said, looking into his eyes again.

"I promise." He said. "But Ziva, you'll have to understand one thing"

"What?"

"I'm not just going to let you suffer"

**So, tell me what you think =) I'm writing the second chapter right now =) -Mimi**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews, keep them coming =) Here is the chapter two, and I'm working on chapter three now so it will take a few days and I'll publish it. If you have any critique, comments or suggestions, please let me know! R&R =) -Mimi**

The sun had almost risen when Ziva finally drove home from work. They had spent the whole day and night working, as always, trying to find out what had happened. The dead marine had not been older than 17. He had just joined the Navy, not a single mission behind, the whole life ahead. And now someone had stolen it from him. Ziva couldn't possibly think of any reason why someone would want that little boy dead. She had spent to whole day trying to find out why, doing background checks, listening to evidence reports, but still, no reason. No answers, just questions.

Young victims were always the hardest part for her. On her Mossad years she had been a trained killer, designed to kill. It had never been hard for her to pull the trigger and end a life. She had to be tough, show no feelings at all, but still. Every time a child got killed, she felt something deep inside. She never had been much of a child person, but she couldn't stand someone killing those innocent creatures. It just wasn't fair.

She undressed and sat on the couch. In her mind she had played with thoughts of a long bubble bath and a glass of wine, but when she finally sat there, ready to do those things she realised she was way too tired. So instead of that, she just sat there, thinking and fighting against sleep.

The numbers of her digital watch said it was almost four AM but she didn't want to sleep. Sleeping had used to be something she enjoyed. Those rare mornings she could actually sleep in she had slept. But now it had changed. She was afraid to fall asleep. She had always been reasonable but maybe the lack of sleep had finally taken the best of her. Every time she fell asleep she woke up with nightmares so horrible, she'd rather stay up all night than sleep. She was almost sure that the moment she would close her eyes the nightmares would be in her bedroom and maybe even stay there after she would have woken up screaming.

She was almost asleep when her phone rang. It took her a while to realize what was that sound and what she should do to stop it. Slowly she pulled her phone out of her pocked and lifted it up so she could see who would possibly call her in the middle of the night. The name on the phone display made her hands shake.

_Tony DiNozzo._

Suddenly she was in panic. Should she pick up or just let it ring. If she answered, he would immediately know she couldn't sleep and think she was weak. But she was so tired that she didn't have the courage to just leave it ringing. Slowly she took a deep breath and pressed answer.

"What" she answered. She tried to sound angry and sleepy. Maybe he would buy it and think she was sleeping.

_"You can't sleep either?"_ Or not.

"Tony, why are you calling me? It's..." she reached to see the numbers on her alarm clock. "Past four in the morning" She almost added that she was trying to get some sleep, but she held the words back. He wouldn't believe her anyway.

_"I knew you weren't sleeping. I... I was just thinking about today."_ Silence. _"Awful case, wasn't it?"_ It was weird to hear his voice again. They really hadn't been talking in ages.

"Did you call me to discuss about the case. If you did, we might as well just end this call right now. I'm not in a mood for this now, Tony" It was only half of the truth. She didn't mind discussing the case. She actually liked exchanging theories with him sometimes. The problem was that she didn't want to talk about today. Apart from the case, something else had happened today. Something she'd rather forget.

_"I didn't call to talk about the case. I just called to talk. Ziva, are you okay?"_ He asked the last question with a different tone in his voice, sounding so caring. She still didn't understand why he cared so much. She had been awful, said she couldn't trust him anymore. She had done everything wrong just because she had trusted Michael instead of Tony. And yet Tony had risked his career, his whole life to save her. And there he still was, on the phone, caring.

"I'm fine Tony."

_"I know you're not. I saw it today, you're nothing but okay."_

"You promised you'd never bring that up again. I had a bad day, a bad moment." And to emphasize her words she added: "And that talk about kicking your brain out, I wasn't kidding"  
He laughed on the other side of the phone.

_"I know. That's why I called instead of stopping by. I bet even you, Ziva David, can't injure a person over a phone."_ He laughed a little more and then lowered his voice a little. _"No seriously. I want to help. Let me"_

"There is nothing you can do. I'm here and you're there and we both have to be in work soon. You should get some sleep, Tony. I'll get pass this, it just needs some time" She lied.

_"And I'm supposed to... what? Watch as you stop sleeping. You'll become some sort of zombie and I know you, you'd never stop coming to work. Ever. What happens then? You'll get shot because you're too tired to run away?"_  
She sensed how worried he was. She was worried about the same thing too. What if that would actually happen one day? If she was just too tired to react? She had been running days, weeks without sleep but this time felt different. She had slept during those two weeks but the nightmares made it feel like she hadn't slept at all after the summer.

"Don't you think I haven't thought about that? That I'll fall asleep in the field and someone gets killed because of me. Gibbs? Vance?" The memory of failing at protecting the director was still clear in her mind. Then there was the worst one she could injure. "You?" she whispered.

_"What do you mean? I'll always be able to run away, but who'll take care of you when you get shot at?"_ She didn't say anything. _"You're really messed up, aren't you?" _There it was; the truth. She was messed up.

"I don't want to talk about it. Not today." The fact that he called to check on her had made it even harder to pretend to him. Maybe she shouldn't pretend, maybe she should tell him the whole story. Maybe it would help.

_"My place, after work? We can pick up something to eat on our way."_ An offer too good to resist.

"Fine" she heard herself saying. A part of her was screaming in panic. What was she doing? She had promised herself to keep this all from Tony. It had been hard enough for him; risking his life for her, even when he thought she was already dead.

She remembered when she had watched a car blow up on a TV screen. She had believed Tony was in that car. For few hours she had thought he was dead, blown up, and they would never meet again. The pain had totally surprised her. It was different than pain usually; somehow so much worse than all the pain she had ever suffered from. That was when she had decided she would never let anyone get so close to her ever again. She had failed. The death of Michael had brought the pain back, even though it wasn't as bad as it had been with Tony. And now she was letting him back into her personal space. So close, that if something would happen, the pain would probably kill her. She wondered if Tony had felt the same when he had thought she was dead.

_"Okay, see you at work. Try to get some sleep. And Ziva... Take care of yourself. Even just for me?"_

"I'll try my best" she said and hung up. She really wanted to try, but she wasn't sure if she could. She was angry with herself. How could she do this to Tony, let him get so close. What if something happened, she couldn't just take care of herself anymore. What it would do to him, if she got too tired to stay alive, just give up. Would he ever survive, and would she ever forgive herself for doing that to him?

At the same time across the town, Tony was still looking at his phone. _"I'll try my best"_ Would she really, or did she just say that to make him feel better? And was trying even enough? He hadn't lied when he had said he was worried about her getting killed. This afternoon she had showed him just how broken she was. He wanted to just wrap his arms around her, whisper in her ear that he would do anything to help her. He wanted to hold her, so she could finally sleep without nightmares. But she would probably break both of his arms if he even touched her. She was playing tough, and he had no idea why.

He looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand and sighed. He would only have few hours before he had to be back at the NCIS. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but when his alarm started, he wasn't sure if he had slept at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**So here we go again, with a new chapter. It turned out to be a bit longet that I planned, but it's worth reading, trust me =)**

* * *

Tony sat in his chair looking at the crime scene photos over and over again. He could feel his eyes closing every now and then. He fought to keep his eyes open, but he knew he would fall asleep on the keyboard in few minutes if he didn't do something right now. The image of Gibbs finding one of his team members sleeping during an investigation was horrifying.

He stood up and stretched his back. The room was empty. Everyone was somewhere, in evidence storage, Abby's lab, on the field... And he had been stuck here with the same photos for five hours now. Few hours ago Gibbs and Ziva had left to question the victim's best friend and they still weren't back. Since no one was there, he sat back and laid his head on the table. Maybe if he slept just a little, he would work harder and have lots of information for Gibbs when he'd return.

He had no idea how long he had slept, but when he opened his eyes, Ziva was sitting right in front of her, watching him sleep. She had a childish grin on her face and the way the sunset coming from the window colored her hair made her look stunning. Then he thought about the sunset again. Sunset! Does this mean…

"How long have I… How long have you… been there?" he hissed and sat up again. There was no one else in the room, just the two of them. He looked at Ziva again. Wow, he thought, she really is beautiful.

"Half an hour maybe. You should really be happy that Gibbs decided to go straight to the evidence storage instead of coming here. Your ears would still be ringing after that slap. Anyway, Gibbs said we could all go home now, it's been a long day" she said and stood up. "At least for the ones who hadn't been spending it sleeping but actually on the field" she added.

"You could have just waked me up?" He asked.

"I thought I'd just let you sleep. Your tiredness is mostly because of me anyway, so I decided to try to make it up to you." He opened his mouth to say something, but she didn't let him speak. "I think we should leave before Gibbs comes, just in case"

"I see… So you're coming to my place then?" he asked. Her face changed and she looked away.

"Tony…" she muttered. She remembered her promise, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep it. What was the point? She knew she'd end up talking too much, and by doing that let Tony get too close. That wouldn't be good for either of them.

"You promised." He looked disappointed. She took a deep breath.

"And I am willing to keep my promise. Let's go" she said and walked towards the elevators. He followed her. They both were quiet, not knowing what would happen as the night would go on.

He broke the silence when they were in his car.

"So, what do you feel like eating?" he asked.

"I'm really not that hungry. You can take anything you want, I don't need anything" she said, avoiding his eyes as they studied her face. He realized she wasn't telling him everything. He parked the car in front of a Chinese take away place and turned around so she couldn't escape his eyes.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "You must me starving after a long day like this"

"The truth is… I haven't felt like eating since…" she looked down, ashamed. Tony lifted his hand and carefully placed it under her jaw. He lifted her head so their eyes would meet again. He was gentle when he touched her. She was so fragile; almost anything could break her into little pieces. She stiffened a little as he touched her, but stayed still.

"You can't stay alive much longer if you don't eat. That's what they wanted, you can't let them win. Wait here, I'll get us some food and make you eat something." He smiled at her and then went out of the car.

Half an hour later he parked in front of his building. She hadn't said anything since he had came back from the Chinese place, and he hadn't forced her. She would speak when she was ready, and rushing it wouldn't make it any easier for her.

He was feeling angry. For Saleem, for everyone there that summer, for doing whatever they did. Ziva David had always been one of the strongest if not the strongest person he had ever known. But when he looked at her now, he just saw a fragile human being who was doing her best to keep herself from falling apart. He wanted to make her strong again. It was so painful to watch her try so hard.

"Come on" he said as he led her into his kitchen. "You'll have to eat something, I don't want you to faint" He lifted the take away boxes on the table and opened one of them. She sat down on one of the chair and stared at the food for a while. Then she slowly took the sticks and reached for a piece of chicken.

"Why are you being so… Nice?" she asked. For him the question felt weird. Why was he nice? Why wouldn't he be?

"Because, Zee-vah. I happen to care about you. I've seen what they've done to you, and how it affects you. I can't stand it, can't stand what they did" She blushed a little as he spoke. Doesn't she really know that I care, he thought.

"But why? Why did you jeopardize your whole career, your whole life for nothing? You thought I was dead and you still did what you did. I'm not worth that, and you know it". Her words had almost turned into a whisper. He couldn't believe that. _She wasn't worth it? Was she a complete idiot? She was worth everything._

"I already told you. I couldn't live without you." and when he saw her shook her head, he added: "And don't you think I get to decide who is worth dying for" He leaned over to her side of the table and whispered into her ear. "You are"

She shivered and pulled away from him with a sad look in her face. He pulled back too studying her with his eyes.

"While I was… away, I thought you were mad at me, for leaving. I didn't even say goodbye. It was a horrible thing to do. If you weren't mad, how did you feel then? When you thought I was dead?" She set both her elbows on the table and leaned closer again. She looked curious this time. He thought about it for a while, the decided to go with the whole story.

"It was… awful. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I felt so lost, nothing mattered anymore. I woke up in the morning, went to work and when I returned, I didn't remember anything that happened that day. All the meaning I used to have in my life was suddenly gone. The moment when I realized I'd never see you again. If had been alone I would have probably fallen on my knees. I felt physical pain. I even thought about…" He wasn't sure if he wanted to finish the sentence.

While he was talking, a tear had run down her cheek. When she realized it, she swept if off with her sleeve. Then she stood up and walked out of the kitchen. He sat there quiet for a while, and then followed her. He found her sitting on the couch, tears running silently down her face.

"I had… No idea" she finally said. "I'm sorry" Tony sat next to her, just close enough but not too close. Their bodies didn't touch.

"Hey! It's not your fault. You don't get to blame yourself for something like that." He smiled as their eyes met. Carefully he wiped a tear from her face. "It's your turn now. I'm asking this again, and this time a need a _real_ answer. What's going on with you?"

"I think you can see it through me. I haven't been sleeping in days. I just. I can't sleep, it's not that I'm not tired, I'm exhausted. But every time a close my eyes, I'm back in that room, and they're all around me. They're all coming closer, five men. I can feel them, I feel how they…They…" She wrapped her arms around her chest and tried to gasp for air between her sobs.

He couldn't stand it anymore. He wrapped his arms around her, and laid her head to his chest. He gentry stroked her hair while her body shook against his chest.

"You don't have to talk about that. You don't have to think about that. You're not there anymore. You're here with me now, and they'll never hurt you again" he whispered into her ear. After a while she could breathe normally again.

"I just feel like… I want to give up. I can't do this anymore" she whispered.

"Look at me" he said. She lifted her head just enough so she could look into his eyes. "You're not going to give up. I'm not letting you to do that. I'm here for you. Try, even just for me. Please." He felt like crying too. How could he do anything, when she already wanted to give up? Was there anything he could do?

She pressed her head back on his chest. He ran his fingers gently through her hair.

"Try to get some sleep. I'll be here, holding you, all the time. I'll fight against your bad dreams the whole night if that's necessary. I'm not going to leave you alone" he said as he held her tighter against his chest.

She cried again, silent tears this time. He kissed her hair, hoping that he wouldn't cross the line and cause Ziva to panic. But she just sobbed there silently. He didn't say a thing, just held her fragile body as she finally stopped crying. After a while he could hear her breathing getting steady as she fell asleep.

He picked her up and gently carried her into his bed. He tried not to wake her up, but when he broke her grip from his shirt, she woke up.

"Just sleep. I just carried you here so it's more comfortable" he whispered. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to decide if he should sleep in the bed with her or not. Just when he stood up to make a bed for himself to the couch, she spoke.

"Tony… Stay" She moved to the other side of the bed, leaving space for him. He laid down next to her as she came closer to him. He wrapped his arms around her. "Is this okay?" he said into her hair.

She didn't say anything. She just pressed her body closer, so close to him that he could smell how good her hair smelled. He gently pressed a kiss into her hair. He thought she was already asleep when she spoke one last time.

"Thank you" she whispered into the dark air of his bedroom. Then she fell asleep.

**So this is what I came up with. Now all you have to do is review. I need to hear all your comments about this, and I do thake suggestions. So feel free to tell me what you think should happen next =) - Mimi**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry it took me longer than usually, I suffered a huge writers block. But as you see, I survived and here it is, the chapter four (aka the morning after XD) :**

When Ziva woke up next morning, the first feeling was that something was different. She opened her eyes and quickly closed them again. The sun was bright, brighter than it used to be by the time she woke up. Usually she was up with the sun or before it and seeing the sun lightening up the room was strange.

She reached to get her gun from under her pillow where she usually kept it. When she didn't find it she quickly turned around and opened her eyes again. She was frightened when she saw Tony.

"Where is my gun" she yelled.

"Gosh, Ziva. I let you sleep in my bed, on my side of the bed and the first thing you try to do when you wake up is to shoot me. Good morning to you, too." Then he noticed her panic and carefully laid his hand on hers. "Hey, it's okay. Calm down, it's okay. Your gun is at your place, you're at mine now, remember"

Then she remembered. She remembered last night, talking with him, how nice he had been. How she had cried and he had held her. She didn't remember how she had gotten to his bed, but her guess was that he had carried her. She must have fallen asleep in his arms.

She felt ashamed. When she had been sitting on his couch she had promised herself she wouldn't open up to him. She had decided to keep him as far away as she could. She couldn't afford letting him get too close. The only thing that could possibly happen was him getting hurt. She didn't want that, it was the last thing she wanted. It had been hard enough to see how suffering he had looked in Somalia. It was because he thought she was dead. That could never happen again. So she had promised.

But when he had spoken about his feelings last night, her promise had broken. When he had told her how he felt when he thought she was dead, she had recognized those feelings. It was the same feeling, the same pain she had gone through when she had thought he was dead. When he spoke those words she felt like she had failed. She hadn't managed to keep him out of her life. She had hated herself more than anything when he had said those last words.

_"I felt physical pain. I even thought about..."_

Even though he hadn't finished that sentence, she knew what he was about to say. That was when she couldn't do it anymore. All the feeling she had kept under control, she just couldn't fight against them anymore. They had crashed over her like a wave, so hard she could do nothing but cry. She shouldn't have told him about the nightmares, cried or fallen asleep in his arms, she knew that very well. But she had been too tired to do anything else. And now she would have to pay for it. Sooner or later she would have to make him suffer again, she knew it.

"How long have I been sleeping?" she asked trying to keep her voice as calm as possible.

"About twelve hours now" he said.

"Twelve hours? Twelve hours, as in normal hours?" she asked furiously. She felt weird. She never slept that much. Panic ran through her as she thought about all the things that might have happened while she was sleeping. She was totally unarmed in an apartment she didn't know. She trusted her life in his hands, that wasn't the problem. She was just used to be in control in all situations. Not being able to control everything made her feel so vulnerable. Weak.

"Hey, no need to worry. It's weekend, no one's waiting for you anywhere. You needed the sleep. Did you..." he seemed to have trouble with choosing the right words. "Sleep any better that usually?" he finally asked.

She didn't know what to say. The truth was that she had never slept better. She had slept the whole night without a single nightmare. But she wasn't sure if she could ever admit that the only thing she needed to let herself sleep was his hands around her. The only hands in the world she would trust around her as she slept. She didn't want to lie either, not when he had actually given her what she most needed; some sleep.

"I slept...better" she finally said. "No nightmares, so thank you." She felt that he deserved to be treated well. Maybe it wouldn't all go wrong. Maybe the world would finally be fair this one time. _Never hope Ziva, you'll only get disappointed, _she reminded herself.

He reached out his hand to push back some of her hair that had fallen out of her ponytail. She shivered from his touch. He stopped his hand on her cheek and suddenly she felt so much more aware of his existence than usually. His fingers felt burning on her skin. And she didn't want the feeling to stop.

"Wow, Ziva you really are beautiful" he whispered suddenly. A sudden comment like that made her feel so naked in front of him, even though she was fully clothed. She just wasn't used to compliments like this; so honest. She lifted her hand so it touched his hand on her cheek. Slowly she ran her fingertips on his hand without saying a word. A smile rose up to his face but it wasn't a smile she had expected. It was a new, almost a shy grin.

"You really are" he said again, leaning closer to her. She didn't lean back she just laid there smiling too.

"You know, no one has ever told me that with a voice that's so... Honest" she said and moved her hand to his chest. She ran her fingers over his heart, like chasing invisible patterns on his shirt.

"Then no one has never truly called you beautiful before. What a shame." He mover his hand to her hips, barely toughing at first, like asking permission. She wanted his hand there. She still felt weak and she had no idea what she was doing. She was playing with fire, only to notice that it burned. But right now she wanted to get burned.

Suddenly her phone started ringing on the nightstand. The sudden sound made her heart race, and she felt the panic again, rising from inside of her. The whole situation seemed too much in the moment and she suddenly missed the control. What was she doing anyway, the opposite of not getting involved with anyone. She turned over and checked the phone. The call was coming from Tel Aviv.

"I'm sorry Tony, I have to take this" she said harshly. Too quickly she stood up and walked out of the room, leaving a disappointed looking Tony laying alone at the bed. He sighed and closed his eyes and she shut the door behind her. The moment was broken.

He just laid there in the bed, still not sure what had happened. It had been so close; he already thought he had gained her trust. And then the stupid phone had to ring and ruin everything. She would never come back to the bed with him, that much he knew her.

Half an hour later she came back to the room. She had a scared look on her face. Without saying a thing she sat on the bed next to his feet. She just sat there, looking at nothing, an empty look frozen on her face. Her hands were shaking and even though she tried to hide it, he saw she had been crying.

"Ziva, what is wrong?" he asked and sat up. He wanted to wrap his arms around her but he wasn't sure if he should.

"I just got a call from Tel Aviv" she started. _And..?_ He added in his mind. He needed to find out what had happened. "And... Apparently my father has... died. And I should... I don't really know what I should." Finding the right words seemed like a huge challenge for her.

He wrapper his arm around her and pulled her closer.

"Come here" he whispered. "Do you know what happened?"

"There was a bomb set in his car" she said and turned around so she was facing him. "Tony, I have to go there right now, I have to. Even though we had our arguments…"

"He still was your father" he ended the sentence for her. He felt a twist in his stomach when she talked about going to Tel Aviv. He had just gotten her home in one piece, and he wasn't ready to let her go again. Not alone at least. "If you have to go, let me come with you. You're not going to fight this fight alone"

"Come on Tony, don't be an idiot. We can't both leave, what would Gibbs think? I'm going to be just fine, I'll be back soon" she said but he saw how she was trying to avoid his eyes. He knew she wasn't sure.

"Well, it sure feels great that Gibbs is the only one you're thinking" he said, bit more harshly than he was supposed to. He wanted to take it back, but she was already on her toes, ready to defense herself.

"Well, I do think about Gibbs. You have no idea how it feels to tell him again that I'll have to leave. Even if he says he'll understand, I still feel like I'm betraying him. Do you think it's easy!" she yelled.

"No I don't think it's easy. But it isn't easy letting you go like this either. How do you think I feel?" he yelled back.

"Leaving you here, you think that's easy then? I love you so much and I'll just have to..." her voice faded away as she slapped her hand on her mouth when she realized what she had said. At the same moment she turned around and left the bedroom.

"Ziva!" he yelled but she had already closed the apartment door.

He felt bizarre. She had said him the words he was too afraid to say, those words he didn't know that person could even say. He wanted to say those words back to her, apologize for being such an idiot, but she was gone now. And he had no idea when he would see her again. If he would.

**So this is what I came up with =) My apologizes to all of Eli David fans out there, I'm sorry I killed him XD R.I.P Eli David. But now I need you to tell me your thoughts about this chapter, so just press "Review" and type what's on your mind! -Mimi**


	5. Chapter 5

**Here we go again, a new chapter for you guys. Thank you for all the reviews they made my day. I love you =) Okay, back to the chapter. All the**** Abby' c****omputerstuff (you'll know what I mean when you read the part) is totally coming from my imagination. My not so perfect english and my non-existing computers skills just aren't a good mix. So please don't kill me because that part of this kinda sucks, k?  
**

**I want to dedicate this chapter to my wonderful friend Verena who is doing the beta for this story. I wouldn't survive without you honey 3 =)**

Tony sat on his bed in his dark bedroom, gasping for air. A horrible nightmare had woken him up again. The same pattern had been going on and on since Ziva had left three weeks ago. He fell asleep, slept for a few hours and then the dream started. It was always the same dream. They were in a car, just the two of them. He was driving, Ziva sitting next to him. Suddenly a man stopped the car, ripped her out of it and shot her right in front of his eyes. There was nothing he could do so he just screamed as he watched her die. And his own screams and panic woke him up every night. And there he was again, sweaty, gasping for air.

His breathing started to get steady again, and he laid his head in his hands. He had become a huge mess inside, he was drowning in the water and he wasn't so sure if he could manage to keep his head above the surface for much longer. He worked like nothing had ever happened but at nights it all came back. He hated the nightmares, because now when she was away, he had no idea if the dreams even were dreams. When he couldn't see her being alive, he had no idea if she even was.

He knew why he felt so bad. There was a simple explanation; regret. He regretted it every single hour, minute and second. He regretted he hadn't stopped her from running away. He should have caught her, he could have if he had thought about it then. But no, he had been in a shock because of the words she had said earlier. She had said she loved him, the words had come out accidentally, but he knew she had meant them. And he was a coward, and idiot, who couldn't catch the girl and say those words back.

He watched the digits on his alarm clock and decided that he could just leave to work. He couldn't sleep anymore anyway. After a quick shower he was already in his car, ready to work.

He parked his car in the parking lot of the NCIS. Before leaving the car he did what he did every day. He looked at himself in the mirror and created the cocky DiNozzo smirk on his face. All he had to do was keep the expression on his face all the time and everyone would think he was just fine. Then he left the car and drove the elevator up.

When he was finally sitting at his desk, he couldn't help it. His eyes were wandering around the room and ended up staring at the empty desk. It was the desk that shouldn't be empty. There was supposed to be someone there, always teasing him and making comments about everything he ever said. He closed his eyes and wished. But when he opened his eyes, the desk remained empty.

"She still hasn't called or e-mailed you?" McGee asked, though it really wasn't a question, more like a statement.

"No, she hasn't McStuck-my-nose-in-other's-business" Tony snapped.

"I didn't mean to stick... I just... I'm sorry Tony. I think she should call you, to even tell you that she's alive." McGee didn't realize that he had picked the wrong words. All Tony thought about nowadays was if she was alive or not. He didn't need someone else to question that, it was hard enough when he only thought about it.

He stood up and walked away from the room. He didn't stop until he was at the men's room's door. He wished no one would be there and stepped in. Once he saw it was empty he locked the door. Then he fell on the floor and buried his face in his hands.

He wasn't a guy who cried at work, but if he had been, he would have cried right now. She had to be alive, she had to. He would know if she wasn't, would he? The picture of her, dead in his arms begun to crawl back into his mind. Breathing started to get harder and he lifted his head to gasp for air. _Is this how it feels to die from inside_, he thought.

He needed her now more than ever. He needed everything, the way she noticed when he wasn't totally okay, the way she managed to cheer him up even when she tried to piss him off. He needed her scent, she smelled so good, even though she didn't use any perfumes. He needed to see her, even just from far away, just so he could make sure she was alive.

And he wanted to tell her he loved her.

He stood up and walked in front of the mirror. He stared at it, not believing what he saw. He didn't see Very Special Agent DiNozzo, he saw a ghost of him. His face was swallowed and red, guess he had cried after all. He had black circles around his eyes and he had lost some weight. His face looked too skinny, and the eyes were hollow. He tried to state into them but he saw nothing staring back. Dead inside. He created the cocky smirk on his face again. _There you go Tony_, he thought. _You'll just have to keep your face like this and no one will ever see the difference._

As he walked out of the toilet he saw Gibbs walking towards him.

"DiNozzo, I need to talk to you" Gibbs said and Tony froze. He hoped Gibbs wouldn't be mad for anything, he couldn't take it right now.

"Yea boss?" Tony said when Gibbs stepped to stood right in front of him.

"Have you heard anything from David?" Gibbs asked.

"No I haven't" Tony answered, trying to sound as the topic wasn't bothering him at all.

"I kind of hoped you'd heard this from her. It would have been a lot easier if you already knew this. It's not official yet but I just heard she has been asked to go back to Mossad. Apparently now when Eli is dead they want her to be their new director" Gibbs said. Tony couldn't believe what he heard.

"You mean... That she would stay there forever then?" He had no idea how he was able to stay so calm. The thought about her staying in Tel Aviv forever was crushing.

"I don't know. It's up to her I guess. I think her heart belongs to the NCIS, but Eli was her father. All we can do is wait" Gibbs said. "You should call her, I think she needs you even though she wont admit it"

"I've tried. She won't return my calls" Tony said. It was true. He had tried to call almost every day, but she never answered. And she never called back. He had sent few e-mails but she hadn't answered them either. It was almost like she was... He couldn't think about it.

"Try anyway" Gibbs said and went to the men's room passing Tony and leaving him alone.

Tony didn't know what to think. Ziva, as the director of Mossad. He just couldn't draw the picture in his head. She would never agree to take the job, never. But no matter how hard he tried to comfort himself, a fear stayed in his mind. What if she said yes, as an honor to her father or something. When would she tell him, how would he hear that Ziva David no longer worked for the NCIS, but was director of Mossad. Or would he just wait forever, until her memory had just faded away? He sighed. Like her memory, her smell, her touch and her voice would ever fade away from his mind and from his skin.

He had pressed the wrong button in the elevator, and found himself in the hallway that lead to Abby's lab. He decided to go see Abby, maybe she would cheer him up a little. He opened the door and saw Abby looking at the computer screen with an intense look on her face.

"What's going on here" Tony asked as he entered the room.

"Tony!" Abby screamed and ran to hug him. "You haven't visited in ages. You have to see this. Since we all miss Ziva I decided to hack into a Mossad wed database to see what they're doing to our Ziva and I found this secret link that led me to another link and then I did some more hacking and..."

"Your point, Abby?" he asked. He didn't really want to talk about Ziva or Mossad. The whole topic had filled his mind and he really needed something else to think about.

"Look. I hacked into someone's personal website only a few people can see and found this. A terrorist group. They're planning these attacks against Mossad, I think they were the ones who blow up her dad too. I was just thinking about the fact that I should inform Gibbs about this." As Abby explained, a horrible thought had crawled into Tony's mind.

"Abs, you said they were doing this against Mossad, right? So if they killed their director, would they kill the next director too?" he asked, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence a little. He wasn't having a good feeling about this.

"Probably. I don't know, why are you asking that? The point is that we have probably caught the bad guys who killed Ziva's father and she can come home now" Abby said with a sweet smile on her face.

"Abby. They've asked Ziva to_ be_ the new director of Mossad. And based on what you just said, they're going to blow her up too" he said. He had no idea how he managed to say those words without breaking down. "What the hell should I do?" he continued as a horrified look built up on Abby's face too. She ran to hug him again.

"Oh Tony, I'm so sorry, I had no idea. We'll tell Gibbs about this and he'll make it all okay like he always does." She tried to sound confident but he really didn't hear it in her voice. She was scared too. "You, go call her right now and make her come home. Please Tony" she begged.

Without saying a word Tony walked out of the room. He had to do something. He needed to find a way to contact Ziva. Tell her he needed her to come back. He would do anything, even beg, though it wasn't something he usually did. This wasn't a normal situation and he couldn't act normal.

When he was back at his desk, he took the phone and called Ziva. He waited and waited but there was no answer. Then her voice-mail went on. Hearing her voice tore his guts into little pieces. He decided to leave her a message.

"Hi Ziva, it's me. I heard they've asked you to be the next big boss man there. Good for you. But... But I don't think you should take the job. You belong to the NCIS, we all miss you. Probie misses you like crazy, and Abby is already hacking the Mossad websites. And.. yea, I miss you like crazy too. Yes, I really, really do. Come home Ziva. I need you"'

Then he closed the phone and laid it on the table. His mind was spinning and his vision was suddenly blurred; because of tears. Breathing got harder again as he half ran to the men's room. With shaking hands he somehow managed to open the door and lock it. Then he broke down.

**So, what do you think will happen next, are the terrorists really after the head of Mossad and how is our little ninja feeling about all of this? The next chapter will be from Zivas POV again, I think. I'm sorry this was so... angsty, I promise to make it up for you later. Review please, more reviews I get, the more I want to write the next chapter =) -Mimi**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here it is, the last chapter of "Too late for forgiveness" And I must warn you: It is complete fluff at least at the ending. But I know you like it ;D **

Night had painted the sky dark when she woke up in the cab. She had no idea how long she had been sleeping. She had been dead tired when she had entered the cab and when she got in she had just muttered the address to the driver and fallen asleep. She looked at the view from the window, but it didn't yet look like it was supposed to. She wasn't there yet.

She had been dreaming about him again, like almost every night for the last four weeks. The dreams weren't any special, just random memories of them two. Dreams of the night she had spent in his place, situations at work, and the moments when she had thought he was dead. Most of them were happy dreams, some of them not, but all of them had the same affect on her; they made her miss him.

She thought about the message she had received a week ago. How his voice had sounded so weak, so fragile. How much he had tried to sound normal, but how she had been able to hear his real emotions behind the message. He couldn't fool her by saying that Abby and McGee missed her. Of course they did, but she knew that Tony missed her too. A lot. "_I need you"_ he had said. He had never said that to her before, at least not with so much emotion. And the truth was that she needed him too.

She wasn't going to even listen to the message. She had tried to avoid everything from him, all the calls she hadn't answered and all the e-mails she hadn't even opened. She knew she was being a total bitch and that he deserved so much better but she just couldn't let anything remind herself about how much she missed him. But that day had been hard. All the questions she had been asked and all the answers she didn't have. She had been tired, sad and vulnerable when she had looked at her phone and seen the message. She suddenly had felt this need to torture herself, since day had been bad; she could as well make it a lot worse too.

There were lots of things she needed to think. They had asked her to be the head of Mossad. She had been thinking about it a lot, almost accepted the offer. But at the last minute she had turned it down. She still didn't know why, or that was she totally turning the offer down. She had said she wouldn't accept the job, but she knew they would ask him again. All his father's colleagues wanted her to run the Mossad and they wouldn't give up until she said yes. But she didn't feel like a Mossad officer anymore. Her heart belonged to NCIS; she wanted to be a field agent. She had never felt comfortable with someone bossing her around, but if she needed to have a boss, it had to be Gibbs. Gibbs was more like a father to her than Eli had ever been.

And the most she wanted to work with Tony again. She needed his comments, even though they drove her crazy all the time. She needed the way he always knew what to say or do, the way he was all DiNozzo and when she needed it, he was this amazing person who she could truly trust on. Of course they had had their arguments, mistrust and fight she still didn't know if they could overcome at the end. She couldn't say it was perfect with him, of course not. But it was the closest thing she had. And now they both knew what it was like to lose your love because of it wasn't completely based on honesty. His thing with Jeanne was never supposed to be real but at least for him it had been the most real thing ever. And her relationship with Michael, she didn't even want to think about it. But the thing was that they both knew, and even if they couldn't talk about it, they still knew.

But working with Tony again wasn't so easily done. She had made a mistake, said the words she had swore that she would never say to anyone. They only caused pain, nothing else. She hated herself for saying them but she couldn't take them back. She wasn't exactly sure if she could ever face him again, but she wanted to. She felt so ashamed, like she had lost a game by saying those words. And a game it was; all the rivals between them were just like a part of a big game. And now she had lost.

She knew that if she had answered his calls, he would have said the words back to her. But she didn't want that either. He deserved so much better, someone better. She didn't want to hurt him anymore. She knew that she had hurt him more than anyone else could ever by just leaving and hiding from him, but he would get over it. He would just forget and find someone better. She had already done the worst; she didn't want to cause him pain anymore.

So she had thought at least, before getting the message. Now she was just confused. There had been so much pain in his voice and it was all her fault. She wanted to make it up to him, but she was afraid she would end up just hurting him more.

Suddenly the cab stopped and she looked outside. She was finally there. She paid the driver and stepped outside. The street was dark and empty. Everyone was somewhere, she felt like she was the only person in the whole world tonight. She felt so alone, so sad and confused. She was tired, she didn't know what to do or say, but she knew what she wanted. So she stepped into the building.

The familiar stairway made her heart race as she climbed the stairs. By using the elevator she would have been there so much easier, but she wanted to make the time longer, buy more time to think what she would do.

Suddenly she was there, at the door where she wanted to be. She took a deep breath and knocked. She already regretted it, but she knew that sooner or later she would have to do it anyway. So she just stood and waited. For a time that felt like forever nothing happened. She already thought about leaving, but somehow she just couldn't move her feet. Then she heard a noise from inside, and her heart skipped a beat. The door opened and there he was; Tony DiNozzo.

For a long time no one said anything. He looked at her, like he didn't believe his own eyes. Then his expression changed from surprised to relieve and then his face went completely blank. She stared at his face; he looked awful. He looked like he hadn't slept in a long time and he had lost weight. A lot of weight. The cocky DiNozzo smirk was gone; he looked like he hadn't been smiling in ages. She felt bad; he looked like he had suffered more than ever before, and it was all her fault. She almost turned around and ran away but then he finally spoke.

"Did you get lost David, or why are you standing behind my door at three AM?" he asked.

"Can I…" she swallowed. "Come in?"

He didn't say anything, just moved so she could step inside his apartment. He closed the door behind her. He turned to face her.

"You could have called." He didn't sound angry, just slightly disappointed.

"I know. I just… I couldn't. I know what I did was wrong, but I just didn't know what to do" she said.

"Taking a phone and calling to someone shouldn't be just a huge challenge. You know, just to let everyone know that you're alive. But I guess it's too much to ask. What are you doing here; I thought they were going to make you the big boss man there?" He asked.

"I turned the job down. It wasn't something I wanted to do" she replied. She wanted to say so much more, tell him how she had missed him. But she wasn't sure how to start.

"What do you want then?" It was so much more than just a question about her work. It was a question about everything.

"Tony" She started. Then she just couldn't hold the feelings back anymore. She stepped closed to him, and without a doubt laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. Tears started to flow out of her eyes as she breathed his scent. "I missed you so much" she whispered.

After a while he wrapped his arms around her. He began to stroke her back gently with his other arm and she sighted. It felt so good; so right.

"Have I ruined it all?" She finally asked and lifted her head to meet his eyes. She had caused him so much pain she wasn't even sure if she wanted to hear the answer. He took a deep breath.

"Hey, listen to me" he said and lifter her chin with his finger. "You haven't ruined anything. I just missed you too. A lot. And I thought you were dead or something and right now I'm feeling so confused, but also relieved. I'm just happy that you're here"

That was it for her. She lifted her head more and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. He immediately answered the kiss, his lips crashing on hers. Their lips were a perfect match; almost like it was meant to be. Like they were meant for each other. They had kissed while being undercover but this was so much more. Their kiss got more passionate and she threw her arms around his neck. He pressed her even closes to him. Then they parted.

"Mmm… Yes, I definitely missed this" he sighed. She laughed and sighed too.

"I'm sorry that I left you like that. I just needed to get out. My dad had just died and after everything that had happened and after what I said…" she didn't want to bring it up but she knew that sooner or later he would. "And I didn't want to leave but I had to and then I got your message. And I had to come back I just…" He pressed his finger on her lips to make her stop talking.

"I love you, Ziva David" he said and before she got a change to say or do anything his lips were on hers again. Her head was filled with questions, with arguments but as they kissed they all slipped away and her head filled with happiness. His lips moved from her lips to her cheek towards her ear, leaving kisses on her neck and making her purr on his arms. "And I'm sorry I didn't say it right away. But I really do love you and I'm saying it to you right now" he whispered into her ear and nibbled her earlobe.

"I'm sorry that I didn't give you a change to say it" she whispered. It was hard to concentrate to talking when his lips where moving on her neck.

"We both seem to have lots of things to apologize for. But it's never too late for forgiveness" he said. Then he kissed her again.

Yes. It was never too late for forgiveness.

**Fluffy fluff fluff. And sorry that the ending didn't have any... good parts :D But if I had written what I wanted it would have been so smutty that your eyes would have buned out :D So this was it, there is this button that says review, feel free to press it! -Mimi**

**ps I do realise that I totally left all the things about terrorist and her father unsaid but I just concentrated on the fluff. So, if you want one final chapter with something about Eli and terrirost, tell me =)**


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